Mission Valentine
by Reizbar-Ookami
Summary: VALENTINE'S SPECIAL: The semes try their hands at cooking. Two succeed. Two fail. All have good outcomes anyway. Contains yami-hikari-shipping and puppyshipping. :D
1. Seme Squad

**Mission Valentine**

_**Seme Squad**_

Ishizu paused on her way into the kitchen, wondering if she really wanted to turn around and make sure her glance had revealed what was _really_ in her family room or whether she'd been imagining things. After a few minutes, her curiosity got the better of her, and she took a few steps back and peeked into her family room. Sighing sadly, she took yet another step back, resigned to her fate.

Because she _had_ seen Marik, Bakura, Yami, and Seto Kaiba sitting unattended by their boyfriends in her family room.

Crossing her arms, she frowned and took a step into her family room. "And to what do I owe the honor of having four not entirely sane men much larger than me sitting in my family room?"

The four men turned their eyes on her and were silent for a few moments, before Yami stood and clasped his hands behind his back. "We have all come to a consensus. We have all decided to do something for our hikaris—" Here, Seto cleared his throat loudly. "…Or our 'significant others,'" the former Pharaoh added, rolling his eyes. "On Valentine's Day. We have all decided that we would like to cook. …We have all, also, decided that we need help to do that, because…"

"We just sent my kitchen up in smoke," Seto finished. "And the insurance agency has informed me that I'll have to insure my kitchen separately from the rest of my mansion, and my policies have gone up. …Joey has also made me promise never to be unattended in a kitchen ever again, and if I ever have one of the yamis with me, I need to have another person to attend per yami."

Ishizu narrowed her eyes slightly. "…And how much damage, exactly, did you _do_ to your kitchen?"

"One of the walls is gone, and partially the roof. There's a team of construction workers getting it back in working order as we speak."

There was silence again, as she wondered what she would have to suffer if she said no—and if she said yes. She knew for a fact that Bakura and Marik couldn't cook. She had seen the results of such adventures. She had also heard of the horror stories of Seto and Yami cooking. She hadn't believed it until she'd seen both of them dueling each other, both with second-degree burns on his arms. …And she'd seen Joey pale at the thought of eating Yami Food.

Plus, she'd seen all four lighter halves with bandaged fingers and singed eyebrows from trying to teach them themselves.

Narrowing her eyes again, she placed her hands on her hips. "I assume you are asking me to teach you. Give me one reason why I should, after seeing the results of your beloveds' tries."

"Because you're mean and won't coddle us," Marik replied instantly. "Our hikaris are too sweet and kind to be firm with us. …They are also too afraid to point out that we've done something wrong."

"Plus, you're a very good cook," Bakura added.

Ishizu sighed; if Bakura and Marik were going to resort to flattery and reason, and if Yami and Seto were going to agree with each other and ask for help, she knew that if she didn't help them, they'd find help elsewhere. …Help that… might not have good intentions.

She'd seen both Seto and Joey sent to the hospital from being poisoned, and there were tons of people out to get the King of Games. …With Marik and Bakura, they just didn't know who all they'd pissed off.

She comforted herself with the knowledge that Malik, Ryou, Yugi, and Joey would appreciate her efforts.

Especially if she died in battle.

.-.-.-.-.-.

"…Odion? Is that smoke?" Malik asked worriedly, and his older brother hurriedly ushered him and his friends away.

"Your sister is trying out something new in the kitchen and missed a step," Odion replied, and it wasn't necessarily a lie. _Someone_ had missed a step in whatever their chosen recipe was, and had caused a fire—luckily, Ishizu had been there with the fire extinguisher. Sometimes that Millennium Necklace came in really handy. "Ishizu would like you to spend the night at a friend's house tonight."

The younger boy frowned in concern. "What about you?"

"I am to help make sure that she does not miss another step." This was also not a complete lie. Ishizu had assigned him to watch over Marik and Bakura—the two that had seemed… more _capable_ in the kitchen (read: not completely _hopeless_). …Marik and Bakura being good had been completely unexpected, though.

"…Okay, if you say so…" Malik frowned, then looked up at his friends in concern. "It must be some sort of European dish. She says they have too many steps."

Joey smiled and ruffled his hair. "It's a good thing you and Ryou are nearly the same size. You can borrow his clothes and then we can go to Yugi's for a sleepover."

Yugi nodded in agreement. "That sounds good to me."

"I wouldn't mind," Ryou added.

"…Okay…" Malik crossed his arms thoughtfully. "…I hope she isn't cooking anything with alcohol. That would just suck."

.-.-.-.-.-.

Ishizu crossed her arms and glared. Odion scrubbed something off the ceiling in the background.

The four men at least had the decency to look ashamed. Her dress was covered with splatters, her hair had fallen out of its strict wrappings, and there was a black, ashy smudge on the side of her face from one of the explosions. Still, despite her current disorderly appearance, she looked like an angry queen whose realm had just been attacked.

And let's face it. It sort of was.

"Um… thanks, Ishizu." Yami grimaced a little as he smiled.

Seto winced and rubbed the back of his head. "…I… I'll send some of the maids over to help you clean."

"You're welcome. …Please do," she stated coldly, then snapped her arm out to point behind them. "Get _out!_ And never come back!"

They took their leave. Quickly.


	2. Kushari

**Mission Valentine**

_**Kushari**_

Marik fidgeted. This was nothing new. However, he was frightened of what his lover would say when he found out that he'd used the kitchen without permission and had left it a mess. Ishizu may have been scary, bit Malik could put up an unholy fuss when he learned his sister's or brother's life might have been in danger.

…Yes, he did know from past experience, actually.

He flinched as he heard a soft gasp and turned quickly. "I just want you to know that it was all meant for you and—"

"You're wearing a _pink apron!_" Malik gasped, pointing at him. He paused, then noticed the two bowls sitting on the table. Tilting his head in confusion, he frowned. "…Marik, what's this?"

"…Well, I tried to make kushari, but I don't think it turned out well," the former-spirit replied. "It doesn't look like the how Ishizu makes it. Doesn't even look like the picture in the cookbook."

Malik took a step toward the table set for just the two of them and observed the food that had been made for him.

Well, it did look a little messy. The macaroni was probably a little over-cooked, and there were a whole lot more lentils and chickpeas than Ishizu put in. There was a lot of garlic vinegar and tomato sauce, too, and the fried onions looked a little under-cooked. A little sauce was dribbling over the side from being over filled too.

But it was really the taste that counted, right?

Marik frowned as he watched his lover poke at the dish with a fork and sighed. "I know it doesn't look very good, so I asked Ishizu to leave money for pizza—" He cute himself off as the younger boy lifted a fork of kushari to his mouth. "…Malik?"

Malik chewed thoughtfully for a few moments, eyes closed and brows furrowed as he contemplated the flavor. After another few seconds, he looked up at his lover and smiled. "For a first attempt, it's pretty good! You just need a little more practice! …And a few less lentils."

"…Huh?" The former spirit was at a loss as to what to say.

"Let's spend the money Ishizu left for pizza on dessert instead, okay? …We'll go for a walk after we eat and get some ice-cream," Malik continued, sliding his arms around the taller boy's waist. "Thank you, Marik."

Marik did not explain that this was not his first attempt, but his hundred and first. He also did not explain that the kitchen would need to be scrubbed with a toothbrush to get all of the mess off. And he _definitely_ did not explain that Ishizu hadn't had any idea about him cooking and had left the money for pizza because she was going out on a date of her own and didn't want them to starve. However, he was too busy with the smaller boy eating his face to care.


	3. Hamburger

**Mission Valentine**

_**Hamburger**_

Yugi raised an eyebrow as he found a dejected Yami sitting at the table, a Burger World bag sitting on the table. After a moment, he asked, "Are you okay?"

"Aibou, I am a failure."

"…I see." Actually, he did not see. But it was easier to just smile and nod sometimes.

"I have failed in an endeavor for your heart. I am weak and unworthy."

Yugi blinked at him in confusion. "…I'm sorry. You already have my heart. How exactly did you fail?"

"I tried to make a hamburger for you since I know it's your favorite food. However, when I asked for Ishizu's help, she dismissed me after a few tries telling me that I was a complete and utter failure in the kitchen." The former pharaoh sighed forlornly. "So unfortunately, you have only this bag of hamburgers made by someone else's hands as a token of my love."

"…You're so fucking weird sometimes," Yugi stated bluntly, frowning. "Really. Not making me a hamburger is not the end of the world." He sat down in the chair beside him and smiled. "Really, Yami, you're such a drama queen. I love burgers from Burger World."

Yami glanced up at him in disbelief. "You would accept this token of someone else's love for my own?"

"You loved me enough to go out and buy it for me," the smaller boy replied, smiling. "I think that's pretty awesome. Besides, someone else may have made it, but you're the one that brought it to me."

"…I also brought you some French fries and a milkshake."

"Well, then I guess I love you that much more," Yugi stated, leaning in to give him a quick kiss. "Let's eat them before they get soggy."

"Right. …And perhaps then we could go on a walk?"

"Or we could just stay in and watch a movie." The smaller boy smiled. "Unless on the walk you're gonna buy me some new cards."

"I KNEW DUEL MONSTERS WERE ROMANTIC! Téa told me they would be inappropriate, but I knew you'd want them! This Valentine's Day thing is blown way out of proportion!"

"Yami, calm down; you're going to blow up at the rate you're going."


	4. Profiterole

Author's Note: A profiterole is a cream puff, just without such a fruity name.

**Mission Valentine**

_**Profiterole**_

Ryou woke up to the smell of smoke. Normally, he wouldn't be worried, because he'd shown Bakura how to use the fire extinguisher. However, this time the smell of smoke was followed by cursing and the sound banging. Thus, he hurriedly got up from his desk (where he'd fallen asleep doing homework) and ran for the kitchen.

"Bakura! Is everything alright?!"

"…No," Bakura mumbled, frowning. "…I ruined dessert."

"Huh?" Ryou blinked at him innocently before looking at the table, where he found various foods—that actually looked edible! But the last time he'd cooked, the toaster had been blown to pieces and the stove was covered with some sort of syrup! And there was edible food on the table! "Wow."

"Oh, this stuff wasn't that hard," the former thief sighed. "It was the cream puff that was hard. I made it just fine over at Ishizu's, but when I tried to make it myself today, it just… died." He sighed again, then scowled and grabbed a knife, stabbing the charred remains of the puff. "DIE!"

Ryou blinked at him again, then smiled and grabbed his hands, forcing him to release the knife and turn away from the doomed dessert. "Well, we could just eat everything else. Who says we need a dessert?"

Bakura glanced away from him, frowning. "…But cream puffs are your favorite," he mumbled. "I wanted to make it so you'd have your favorite food today."

"Oh." The younger boy tilted his head thoughtfully, then smiled again. "Well, then let's eat dinner, and then we can go out and you can buy one for me! We'll share it, okay?"

"…So you're not disappointed that I couldn't make it myself?" the thief questioned skeptically.

Ryou sighed. "Bakura, if it means that much to you, we can stay home and try to make another one. Would _that_ be okay?"

"…I'd rather just buy one now."

"_Bakura,_ I—Oh, never mind. I'm too happy with you to care right now." The Brit smiled and leaned up for a kiss. "Thank you for dinner, Bakura."

The thief hummed quietly. "You're welcome, hikari."

Seeing that the other boy's ego had not been soothed entirely, Ryou frowned, then smirked and covered his mouth coyly. "You know, I'm sure Yugi doesn't have an entire meal made for him."

Bakura blinked, then let out a pleased cackle. "That's right! The pharaoh sucks even worse than I do at cooking!"


	5. Curry and Rice

**Mission Valentine**

_**Curry and Rice**_

Joey blinked as he stepped into the house and smelled smoke, then frowned in confusion. "…Oh my God! Seto!" He ran toward the kitchen.

A few of the maids were rushing in and out, one with a bucket of water, some with towels, and others still with fire extinguishers. He felt his anxiety growing until he heard melancholy sigh from the direction of the stairs. Turning, he found his dragon sitting on the stairs, sadly watching the maids and their surprising know-how in putting out one of his fires.

Frowning, Joey made his way over to him. "Seto? Are ya okay?"

"It's mostly smoke damage. Well, at least, it was when they shoved me out here," he muttered, frowning. "It seems the fire got worse after I left. I really shouldn't have tried."

Sensing that there was more to the story, the blond sat down beside him and took one of his hands between his own. "Really? What were ya tryin' t' do?"

"…Trying to make you some curry and rice," Seto mumbled, blushing a little.

Joey stared at him for a few moments, brow furrowed, before he 'squee-ed' and tackled him so he was lying across one of the steps. "I love you so much!"

"…But I failed!"

"But ya tried, even though ya knew the possible outcomes, and that's all that really matters!" the blond whispered, hugging him tightly. "I suppose it's just as well." He giggled quietly. "I actually got us some reservations for that French place ya like so much! So it's a win-win! I see how much you love me, and you get one of your favorite meals!"

"…Your logic is flawed, but okay." Seto hugged him back tightly and sighed. "I love you puppy. I don't know what I'd do without you."

"…Well, ya probably wouldn't set the kitchen on fire as often…"

"It makes jobs for construction workers."

"…"

"Stop looking at me like that!"

"…"

Seto scowled. "…I will make you eat the remains of the burnt curry."

Joey looked away from him and began to get up hurriedly. "Ya know, I think I'll just go get ready for dinner…"

The brunet raised an eyebrow. "What time is our reservation?"

The blond frowned at him. "…Seven…"

"We have time for a quickie then."

Joey squealed as the older boy scooped him up and threw him over his shoulder. "Seto! At least wait until after dinner! I don't wanna be sore!"


End file.
